Archive for the ‘advice/how to’ Category

Best quotes of the week

Posted: December 22, 2012 in advice/how to, change, focus, life hack, overcoming obstacles, personal development, quotes
Tags: , , , ,
6

I love quotes. Quotes are a treasure to be mined and the nectar of a well thought life. Quotes can change your perspective, turn the lights on, and affirm what you already knew but couldn’t quite put into words. In other words quotes can change your life.
As a discipline I file away quotes and illustrations that I find add value to my life and the goals that I am reaching. Here are five that made the cut for this week:

“The thing is, that everything was impossible until somebody did it.” – Scott Dinsmore

“It is no easy thing to rest while millions still bear the burden of poverty & insecurity”-Nelson Mandela

“You already know more about good than you currently practice…don’t try to gain more knowledge before you practice what you already see”-Fenelon

“We dishonor the image of God in diverse people when we require them to assimilate to the dominant culture in our church.”-Christena Cleveland

“We do know that no person can be saved except through Christ. We do not know that only those who know him can be saved by him”-C.S. Lewis

So those are my top 5 for the week. What are your favorite quotes?

Naming my Addictions Pt 5: Social Media

Posted: November 14, 2012 in advice/how to, bible, change, faith, personal, spirituality, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,
1

This past May I went backpacking in Allegheny National Forest. I packed everything I needed. Tent. Check. Water bottle. Check. Sleeping bag. Check. Phone. Check??? On the way to the trail me and my buddy stopped at a gas station. While in the bathroom I checked my pockets for my phone and I realized that I had left it in the car. In that moment I also realized that reaching for my phone has now become a reflex action. When there is nothing to do the phone is what to do. When there is silence I pull out my phone. When there are people around I pull out my phone. It has become my automatic response.

Yes like all of us I have contracted that dreadful disease Iphonitis! Constantly looking at my Facebook, Twitter, and email has become the mode of my existence. Luckily I haven’t gotten into any other social media apps or I probably would not get out of bed or get dressed. This is the one addiction that I have no embarrassment about. The reason is because I see everyone else possessed with this same addiction. It has become a part of the landscape. Maybe that’s why this one is probably more fundamentally dangerous to our health and well being. When something is ubiquitous it can easily affect you unawares and self awareness is the first step in transformation. While social media is a good thing; social media addiction is not and here are two reasons why:

1) It gives us the illusion of omnipresence. Through our mobile devices and laptops we get access to people who are thousands of miles away. It’s almost like being there. Almost. We are not there and yet this drive to be “there” consistently takes us to social media and away from the real life we need to be experiencing now. It takes us away from the work that we need to be doing now. It takes us away from the relationships we need to be cultivating now. In short, it takes us away from the most important moment in the world which is….now

2) It gives us the illusion of omniscience. By becoming voyeurs into other people’s lives we are tricked into thinking that we have intimacy (which carries the connotation of knowledge) with them. We may be deceived into thinking that we know people because of what they have posted on their profile. In actuality all we know is their profile. Real intimacy is gained through years of shared laughter, tears, sweat, and even silence. Even in this there is no sure bet that you really know another human being.

Now I try to curb this addiction by limiting my Facebook, Twitter, and email time to twice a day. Then at least I have some kind of limit to how much time I spend on social media but lately I have really slipped on that especially coming home and feeling tired from work. I usually slip into becoming a voyeur into other people’s lives and not really doing what’s needed right now in my own life (like going to bed). It’s a challenge and I don’t foresee it getting easier with the invention of so much technology we will become even more connected/disconnected and I am hoping that the church finds a way to address this aspect of our culture. In the meantime I will strive to live a meaningful life with those around me right now rather than get sucked into the social media matrix.

What do you think? How do you limit social media’s negative effects in your life? Do you think it contributes or takes away from relationships?

How I found freedom from pornography

Posted: March 15, 2012 in advice/how to, culture, faith, gender, justice, overcoming obstacles, personal, personal development, sex, spirituality
Tags: , , , ,
1

This post is dedicated to all the beautiful women who have helped me to be the man I am today; who loved me beyond what their natural eyes could see. Celebrating Women’s History Month.

It started in grade school. Just a peek through supposedly closed eyes into the lurid details of a Hollywood sex scene. No harm right (Wrong!)Boys will be boys. But wait…after several more peeks and several years later friends are bringing magazines to school and I am shocked and seduced into looking at men and women reveal something intended to be private for the public. Not just once but multiple times. My curiosity drove me to look again and again but it provoked no appetite to know the reasons a young woman would bare her body in a magazine for a gawking lust filled strangers to see.

Years after I would struggle with the enticement to view not only women’s bodies but women’s bodies performing as objects for men’s twisted fantasies. And this is the saddest part about porn and what makes it essentially vile and wrong is that it turns a woman into an object. Never in all of those times that pornography lured and enthralled me did I think: this woman on this page…on this screen…is a person. A person with emotions and intellect; joys and fears. And ultimately not only did I dehumanize her but I dehumanized myself. By seeing her as an object I limited my capacity to love. I began to see not just women but all people in terms of what they could give me. In short my ability to connect relationally was seriously short circuited.

Objectifying women is not limited to only the sexual. I realized how much this thought pattern had invaded my mind even more so once I got married. To see my wife as an object-sexual, emotional, domestic-and not as a person is a result of years of emotional detachment and wallowing in a pit of selfishness.

Many times I tried to quit cold turkey and through sheer willpower to resist the temptations to look at porn but there was no breakthrough until one night while reading my bible I realized this: it’s not about resisting temptation as much as it’s about loving your neighbor. Basic stuff right but most of the time this teaching-this mandate from Christ is often excluded from our sexuality. This is how it works in my own life. Every woman I come in contact with (whether offline, on screen, or online) is my neighbor for whom Christ died. Do to others what you want to be done to you. Every woman who is involved in pornography is somebody’s daughter. I know I don’t want people to treat my daughter as a sexual object.

It’s not just about the practice of viewing pornography. It’s about the objectification of women. Both sins of commission because one huge sin of omission: not loving. Basic but it really is about love and love can free you from anything.

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:36-40 ESV)

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 ESV)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7, 8 ESV)

What Julie and Julia taught me about my relationship with God

Posted: March 9, 2012 in advice/how to, bible, faith, personal, personal development, spirituality
Tags: , , , , , ,
3

Christians say it all the time “It’s not about rules. It’s about relationship.” Many people have asked me over the years “How is your relationship with God?” Most of the time I feel quite put off by the question and don’t really know how to answer it. It’s not like we sit down at the kitchen table and have casual chatter over breakfast like me and my wife. If I had that kind of back and forth with God you would think I was nuts because….he’s invisible! No matter how many ways you slice it having a relationship with God just like the one I have with Yvette is impossible ( I am not negating the possibility of God’s guidance or hearing his audible voice only the frequency and clarity which most of us will agree is quite minimal)

But what if a relationship with God was never meant to be like the kind you have with a spouse or friend ? What if having a relationship with God is qualitatively different? This dawned on me while watching the movie Julie and Julia. While I think it was a gem of a movie I also believe it can give us a framework on how a relationship with God (an invisible intangible being) is supposed to work.

In the movie Julie and Julia a young woman named Julie is inspired to cook every recipe in Julia Child’s cookbook Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Along the way she encounters trials, disappointments, joys, and victories while becoming closer to Julia Child as she pursues this discipline. Throughout the movie we see her become changed and transformed by following in the footsteps of someone who is not around. And the movie begins to hint that although these women lived worlds apart they are connected. But how??? Julie connected to Julia by doing what she did. Although it was a different time and place she cooked the same meals that Julia Child cooked and their relationship was based on those shared practices. In the movie Julia Child was even upset with Julie but it still did not negate the relationship that was formed through those shared practices. In fact Julie was so connected and moved by imitating Julia Child’s cooking that she offered butter (worship) at Child’s Smithsonian exhibit.

And before you think I’m way out there using movies as my Bible let me go to the text to cap it all off:

And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. (1 John 2:3 ESV)

whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. (1 John 2:6 ESV)

Julie got closer to Julia by cooking her recipes and imitating her practices. In the same way we get closer to God by doing his commandments and imitating his practices. Walking in the same way that he walked while here on earth.

Savoring every moment!

Posted: January 18, 2012 in advice/how to, inspiration, life hack, personal development, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Wherever you are. Be all there-Jim Eliot

There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil Ecclesiastes 2:25

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live wisely and earnestly for the present-Teaching of the Buddha

Every moment in our life is valuable. The seed of joy is planted in all of our circumstances and all it takes is for us to water it and harvest the fruit. Every moment in our life is to be savored and enjoyed because it all exists to make up the tapestry and the artwork that is called our story. That’s why I live with no regrets! Yes I said it. With all the stupid stuff that I have done and the wrong turns that I have made I have no regrets. Why? Because every dumb decision and wrong turn has brought me to this moment and in this moment I am fully alive. Most of the time we miss it and spend countless minutes, hours, and days wishing we were living someone else’s story. Instead of being present in our own we drift away and waste what is precious by looking toward the past or stressing about the future

Instead of thinking about another story to live I have chosen to savor every moment. Every day my goal is to enjoy the now whether it’s getting my kids to clean up their messy room or eating a nice crisp fuji apple. I take it all in and realize that I have been given a gift: the gift of life

How can we do this on a regular basis?

Slow down Most of our life is lived at a speed that is unsustainable and counterproductive to actually living in the present. Instead of going through the day at 90 mph the best thing to do is to slow down. You will be amazed at what happens. You begin to see the important things more clearly and eliminate the unnecessary. You begin to notice the beauty that is all around you and become content with your life just as it is.

Breathe This simple act is the foundation of our life. Once you slow down practice breathing. I practice breathing while I do some of the mundane tasks that I would rather not do like washing dishes or putting the kids to bed. Eventually the breathing leads to meditation and meditation leads to prayer and prayer leads to peace If nothing else I am reminded of the gift of life that I have been given.

Use all of your senses The next time you are eating don’t just concentrate on the taste. Notice the smells. The texture. The sound of the food as it cooks over the stove. Begin to use all five of your senses with every action that you take. Life is not made for just going through the motions. Life is to be experienced

Be Grateful Finally,be grateful. When we practice gratitude we begin to live in the moment. We are grateful and thankful for what we have now in the moment. It does not matter whether we have the latest technological gadget or whether we have the best looking house or car on the block. We are thankful for our story and we are fully present within it. So begin to write a list of what you are thankful for or practice letting others know how much you appreciate their presence in your life story.

Savor the moment!!!

5 Lessons for the New Year I learned while shaving my head…

Posted: December 31, 2011 in advice/how to, change, goals, overcoming obstacles, personal development, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
3

For the last 3 weeks I have been shaving my head in order to save money. It makes no sense to pay $10 for somebody to do something so simple. What I didn’t realize is how much doing this simple task would teach me lessons about myself and life. I want to offer the thoughts to take with you into the New Year.

Believe in Yourself

For the longest time I have been contemplating shaving my head instead of going to a barber. I just didn’t get around to it because I am not the most dexterous person on the planet and imagined myself really doing a crummy job. This is something that has been a barrier to reaching other goals as well and it was only until a few weeks ago that I decided to believe that I could do it. This was such a breakthrough because I had been stuck thinking that I could not accomplish such a simple task. It was a revelation because it revealed how much I didn’t believe in myself for some of the other larger goals and tasks that I wanted to complete in life. I mean if shaving my own head created so much fear in me then what other things were being postponed through fear. I want to do a lot of big things and I never realized how much those were so far away from being done because I could not even believe in myself to do a lot of small things. Thousands of people do it every day but in this simple act I received the knowledge that allows us as humans to live out our best and brightest potential: Believe in yourself!

Take action and fear disappears

As soon as I ran the clippers across the top of my head I realized there was no turning back. The deed was done. You know what else was done. My fear. It vanished the moment I began shaving my head. The reason: Once you take action then you do not have time to be afraid. There is no space to allow fear to grip you. You have already begun executing the task and taking steps toward the goal. The fear that once held you back is now behind you. This means that the best thing we can do when it comes to seeing our goals and dreams reached is take that first step. Whatever it is. Get on the treadmill. It doesn’t matter how fast you go just get on it! Start typing. It doesn’t matter if you have 300 more pages to go and none of it makes sense. Just do it! Go without cigarettes for one day. Just take that first step and watch the fear disappear.

Always get another perspective

As I was cutting I could not see the whole of my head. There was a point where I needed to get the hair from behind my ears and on the back of my head and I had no help. I tried my hardest to just go with it and shave blindly hoping that if I went over it enough times then I would have done a pristine job. After a while I thought I should just go to bed I’m sure I shaved it off and made it even with the other parts (laziness!). Then I stopped and said what is making you not just ask Yvette for help. So I thought about it and I realized that underneath it all: I wanted to live in denial. I wanted to choose to believe in something that I did not have any evidence for when I could have received the necessary feedback from someone right near me. Sometimes this can happen with larger goals. We can choose to believe we are doing a great job but never get feedback from those closest to us. It is always good to get another perspective. So go see a trainer, a counselor, a respected friend or mentor and get the necessary feedback you need to reach your goals.

Some mistakes are easy to fix and some aren’t

As with all of life some mistakes are easy to fix and some aren’t. The first few times I shaved my head I did an excellent job. I always had to go to Yvette to figure out if I missed some spots or if it was even. These mistakes were easy to fix and I just needed to go over them with the clippers a few more times. On the other hand the third time I shaved my head I actually shaved my skin off and had a sore in the front of my head. It is still there right now and I have had to endure looking like  I have a patch of hair in the front of my head. This is a mistake that is not easy to fix. I have to wait until my skin heals and it has been painful just looking at it every morning :(

Sometimes in life there are easy course corrections we can make: I have been eating a few too many sweets. Cut back. I spent a little more than I should have this Christmas. Ok save up in January. Work a second job for a few months. There are other mistakes that cannot be easily fixed: I have been eating a few too many sweets for years and now I have diabetes. I have loads of credit card debt and school debt. I have been smoking for years and I have to get checked out for lung cancer. These aren’t easy fixes. That’s not to say that these things can’t be fixed it just means that it will take a longer and a greater amount of money and labor to fix them if they can be fixed at all. Right now is the best time to concentrate on doing the easy fixes so you don’t have to deal with the bigger problems down the road. That’s why I’m eating better and exercising-not as a New Year’s resolution but as a life decision-so I don’t have to fix a difficult mistake later.

You always get another chance

As I look at my hair grow back and my skin heal I am realizing that life is so generous to us. No matter how many mistakes you make you have numerous opportunities to course correct. I realize these days how much I was blinded by envy and ambition when I was younger and I squandered the early years of my marriage. But I have another chance and I am taking advantage of it by loving and enjoying my wife. I could have been more disciplined in my eating habits and avoided a growing gut and a few trips to the doctor. But I still have the chance to be healthy. Wherever you are right now in pursuit of your goals be grateful that you have the opportunity to pursue them. You may think it’s too late but you always have another chance. As long as there is breath in your lungs you can make decisions that lead to wholeness and success. 2012 is going to be a great year for taking advantage of the opportunities that life has given you.

Happy New Year!

No resolutions for 2012

Posted: December 28, 2011 in advice/how to, focus, goals, life hack, overcoming obstacles, personal development
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

It’s funny how comments from strangers can make you think. You know the random comments. The comments that stick with you even days later because underneath what is so random is a kernel of truth. The other day just before leaving the gym one of the regulars asked me if I was “puttin in work.” I immediately answered that I just did. I felt good about my workout and the fact that I was following through with my goal of getting in better shape (soon I will post on what that looks like). What really stood out to me was his reply: Make sure it lasts after Christmas. When he said it I was struck with the fact that this goal of getting in shape was not made for the New Year. It was made in October during our time at the Vineyard Pastor’s Sabbatical Retreat. It was made not just for the New Year but for a new life.

I think sometimes talk of new year’s resolutions gets old because it is based on the year and not based on our lives. It is a resolution that ultimately fails because it is time bound and not life bound. Think about it. We resolve to lose weight and eat healthier every year. We buy bran muffins and asparagus. We get gym memberships and new workout clothes but by February and sometimes the second week of January we are back to supersizin it on a regular basis. Why? It is because our desired change is based on New Year’s resolutions and not New Life decisions.

I do not have any resolutions for 2012. I am already full speed ahead with my goals for life:

  • I have started my workout plan
  • I have already begun to write my book and am about to finish the first chapter in a few days.

I am making progress because these things come from a place deep inside of me and not from an external clock or ritualized calendar. They are simply what I want and I have decided to go after them. So no resolutions for me in 2012. Just a continuing of putting my hand to the plow and not looking back.

Instead of focusing on resolutions this year Here’s a better way to see change happen in your life:

  • Sit down with a paper and pen
  • Take some space and time to let some of your deepest desires surface.
  • Write down the one that is most important right now
  • Whatever that thing is pursue it with all your might.

That’s what is driving me and motivating me to go to the gym in rain and snow. I love this method because it makes the change about you and what you really want and not some moralistic guilt ridden promise that you made to yourself simply because the earth moved around the sun one more time! So no resolutions in 2012 for me. Just some awesome life decisions.

4 ways to get the most out of life!

Posted: December 3, 2011 in advice/how to, inspiration, life hack, personal development
Tags:
0

Getting the most out of life

Sometimes life can seem like the same old thing. You’re born. You pay taxes. You die. You go to work eight hours a day. You commute back and forth. You go to sleep. And you do this same thing for 30-40 years.

It may seem boring and monotonous but life was not designed for boredom and monotony. Now back in the day this would have been ok. You would have gotten married at 14 or 16. You would have already started backbreaking work on a farm or in a mine and died around 30 or 40. Life was filled with suffering but at least it wasn’t prolonged suffering. Studies show that Americans are living longer and if we are living longer let’s not waste all that time being bored and unsatisfied.  Here is how you can get the most out of life:

Appreciate what u have

This is one area where we can miss out the most. We do not enjoy the things that we already have. Start with the basic essentials to life. Like breathing. This is why I love breathing meditation or breath prayer. It brings you back to the essence of what it means to be alive. Today if you do not have a penny to your name or any friends to call on the one thing you do have is life.

On top of that if you are in the United States you have more than most everyone in the world. The problem is that as much as we are privileged in this country we do not enjoy our lives. We are always grasping for something more. I can remember being in Ethiopia and noticing that many of the poorest people there were the most happy. They may not have had running water but they had joy because appreciated what they had: family, friends, breath in their lungs. Life can be taken for granted so much that we forget to really live. Appreciate what u have. Life itself.

Know what you want

Have you ever been to a restaurant and didn’t know what to order? There are so many choices on the menu nowadays that it’s hard to know what to choose. You usually end up getting something that is less than satisfactory. Why? Because you didn’t go in with a definite purpose and plan to eat a specific thing. Whatever you ordered didn’t measure up because you really didn’t want it in the first place.

By knowing what we want we bypass all the substitutes for happiness and satisfaction. Many of these things are false expectations given to us by the media or our culture.There are many who have said they climbed the ladder of success only to realize they were on the wrong wall. If you are killing yourself, ruining your relationships, and not enjoying the time God has given you on this green earth chasing after an elusive dream of more money, power, fame or just plain more it helps to know whether it is really what you want. For most people in the world (about 99%) it is not worth it. If you talk to many of the most successful and satisfied people in the world you will find out that they are successful and satisfied not by chasing after those things mentioned above but by being themselves and pursuing their passion that burns in their heart. The people who get the most out of life are the ones who truly know what they want out of life.

Be childlike

One thing that I have noticed over the years is that the people who are the most “mature” are oftentimes the most unhappy. It is sad to see people become stuffy and sad because they think it is an inevitable process of aging. Like the song says “Age aint nothin but a number” and the people who I have seen get the most out of life do not relegate themselves to acting a certain age. Now don’t get me wrong. They are not naive or irresponsible. I am not talking about the 56 year old lady up in the club and droppin it like it’s hot (or lettin it down like it’s lukewarm). No! That’s not being childlike. That’s just being unaware of how ridiculous you look. I am talking about something much more sublime like embracing the world as a child. When we are filled with childlike awe and wonder we can extract joy from the simple things in life and shake off those things that weigh us down. Have you ever notice children seem to play with some of the strangest things like cardboard or cut up pieces of carpet? It’s because the have a sense of wonder about the world around them. Maybe we should take a cue.

Think adventure

False expectations can make life unsatisfactory. Part of this is due to ideas from our culture and our families. One of those ideas is that the goal of life is safety and security. Most commercials and sitcoms thrive off of appealing to the masses with this deep seated yet misdirected desire. These things are illusory and will always escape us. Many folks thought they had safety and security before the 2008 recession/depression. That idea was torn down fast when they had to leave their homes or were laid off from their jobs. There is no ultimate safety and security. A good job will not give you security. A nice comfy neighborhood will not give you safety. This is life: Anything can happen! Why chase after a dream that will never materialize?

Newsflash: Life is not a quiet green meadow! Life is not a less smiley faced version of Pleasantville! It is a roller coaster ride! it is a trip through the jungle with wild animals lurking behind every corner. Some folks would say that is what they want to avoid and others would say that is what they want to step into. Why? Because the moment you realize life is not intended to give you safety, comfort, or security is the moment you really start living!When it comes to life. Think adventure!!! You were not made for a peaceful boat ride in a stream. You were made to weather life’s storms and waves! Think adventure and life gets exciting and satisfying!

How do you take advantage of the life you’ve been given?