Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

The 1st Diversity: Reading for Women’s History Month

Posted: March 5, 2013 in African American, bible, change, church, culture, faith, gender, justice, sex, spirituality
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God loves diversity. From the very beginning of the Hebrew scriptures we can see diversity in action. According to the Biblical text, creation begins with difference: light and darkness, water and dry land, greater light and lesser light. Fish, birds, beasts, and creeping things reproduce after their different kinds. At the apex of creation stands humanity and the very tip of the apex is woman. Instead of making us asexual borglike robots he stamps us with difference: male and female. This is the first human diversity and all other diversity pales in comparison. Man and woman are different.

These differences govern not only how our body functions but they also give us different experiences and outlooks. There is nothing that shapes and defines us in the core of our being more than our sexuality. The fact of whether on an application or form we write an “m” or an “f” next to the word sex speaks volumes on how we approach life and see the world around us. It is more than just biology. Because of this biology we acquire a different psyche, a different perspective. This biology has over thousands of years given rise to certain roles and ways of relating in our society and culture. Irregardless of whether the society or culture conditions us to act in these ways the biology was there first and gave birth to it. The first instance of diversity set us on a trajectory that has been adventurous, exciting, and….full of conflict. Patriarchy, misogyny, polygamy, female mutilation, pornography and a whole host of other evils has sprung from the fact that men and women are different and need reconciliation. For the most part is has been men who have initiated the oppression and violence against women and this is something that still needs to be remedied even in our modern times of women’s liberation.

As an advocate for diversity I seek to be an advocate of women. This month is women’s history month and to honor that I will be exploring the perspectives of women through reading from the vantage point of my two prominent identities as black and Christian. The books on my list are:

Women, leaders, and the church by Linda L. Belleville
The Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans
Words on Fire: An Anthology of African American Feminist Thought by Beverly Guy-Sheftall
The Word According to Eve by Cullen Murphy (Male author but a survey of women scholars involved in Biblical studies)
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

I am already knee deep in a couple of these and they are already readjusting my lens and perspective. Do you have any other suggestions?

Naming My Addictions Pt 3: Sex

Posted: October 24, 2012 in bible, change, church, culture, faith, Jesus, Ministry, personal, personal development, sex, spirituality
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Sexual addiction is rampant in our society. Now when we think of a sex addict usually we think of someone having a late night rendezvous in their car or walking into a xxx shop in a trench coat and that’s where we go wrong. I believe that sometimes addictions have degrees and you don’t have to be totally gone off the deep end to have an addiction. If we have a better understanding of the way sex is understood by our brain then we can get a clear picture of a sex addict.

Many of us consciously or unconsciously see sex as a way to escape our problems. A way to lose the reality of our world and get lost in the ecstasy of orgasm. So when we feel empty inside and need a dose of self esteem then we turn to the arms of another. When we have financial worries or anxiety about our children we choose sex to soothe us and give us peace. When we don’t really know how to relate and be intimate (news flash: intimacy and sex are not the same thing) then we choose sex to avoid the pain of our inadequacy.

Let me say this: There is nothing wrong with sex. I enjoy sex as a way of expressing love to my wife but there are times when it is not so noble. There are times when it is not so much about her but about a way of escape. The reason I know this is because in her absence or when she is not available I choose others means of escaping my problems i.e. the other addictions of food, knowledge, social media etc. There is nothing wrong with sex but sex as addiction is not the best avenue to healthy human flourishing. Why? Because I believe love is the key to human flourishing (Luke 10:25-28) and when sex is an addiction the other person becomes a means to an end-a sex object-and when people are objectified love is thrown out the window.

What I do to work through this is to

Stop and pause. I ask myself the question “Why do I want sex right now?” For some that may be ludicrous. A hedonistic or materialistic viewpoint would say “You want sex because it gives you pleasure” or because “Your body needs it”. Those things may be true but they are not the whole truth. I believe a Jesus oriented understanding of the human person says that I am more than just my body.

Next I sit and evaluate my motives and the previous day’s happenings. A lot of times I will find that I am upset, stressed, or lonely and there is nothing wrong with finding a way to address those issues but usually sex doesn’t address them. It only covers them up.

Lastly I find a way to address the real issues .Whether that’s talking to my wife or getting some work done that I have procrastinated over or calling up a friend I try to come up with a real solution. This way I fix the problem instead of covering it up with sex. This isn’t fool proof but it has helped me get a handle on the most important organ of my sexuality-my heart.

Believe it or not in spite of what our sex saturated world tells us there is more to life than sex. Sex is only a part of it and I refuse to let it dominate me. I would rather let it lead me into and not away from love-the best way to be fully human and fully alive.

Why I didn’t eat Chic Fil A on August 1st, 2012

Posted: August 3, 2012 in bible, church, culture, faith, justice, sex, spirituality
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I did not eat Chic Fil A on yesterday and I probably never will again…

Not because I don’t believe in free speech. As a matter of fact I do but in this case no one’s free speech was threatened. In America when you exercise freedom of speech expect to be criticized, boycotted etc. The first amendment only protects you from government suppression. Read more about it here

Not because I am liberal. I refuse to be put into that category. I believe in many things that would classify me as right wing and many things that would put me on the left end of the spectrum. This is a consequence of following Jesus who defies the categories of American politics.

Not because I want to avoid persecution. Let’s get one thing straight: Christian persecution is a reality. But people not wanting to buy your chicken sandwiches because of your beliefs is not the same as being imprisoned or tortured. And while we are at it to support some of the organizations Chic Fil A supports invites criticism.

But because I want to be like Jesus. Jesus’ message centered on the kingdom of God and his life was the embodiment of it. One of the hallmarks of this kingdom was love and justice for everyone including the homosexual. My allegiance to this kingdom far outweighs my right to free speech or a chicken sandwich.

Because I am not committed enough to “the least of these”. I confess that I have no right to arrogantly poke fingers at other people when I have not done enough on my part to serve those who are poor and marginalized which is the way people in the early church were identified as Christians.

Because I want to use my mealtimes to be with “sinners” and not to condemn them. There are more productive ways to engage this issue than to be swept up in the culture wars of the powers that be. Jesus took another route and chose to eat with those whom society deemed as unacceptable.

August 1st, 2012 was a massive fail for the church. I pray that more eyes will be opened to a better way to show our commitment to Jesus.

Asking hard questions about same sex marriage

Posted: May 16, 2012 in culture, faith, gender, justice, sex, spirituality
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Same sex marriage. Hmmm…..So I resisted approaching this topic for a while. I was hesitant to write about it in a public form not just because it’s controversial (it definitely is) but more because I have not truly come to a fully articulated stance concerning the issue and also because it is so complex. Most people approach it only from a spiritual or political perspective when it actually touches on both areas. It definitely needs a more nuanced perspective than “It’s wrong” or “because the Bible says so” or “as long as two people are happy”.

So instead of posting my hardened conviction I would rather ask you to join me in asking the hard questions. I also must say that these questions are not exhaustive and may actually provoke more questions. So let’s dive in……

Biblical

From a Biblical standpoint I do not want to ask what scripture says of homosexual practice but what scripture calls us as believers to in regards to political power, the church’s relationship with the outside world, and the church’s calling. Here are some questions I have been asking:

Did Jesus address homosexual behavior or identity in the gospels?

How did Paul address homosexuality within the Roman Empire?

Would Jesus or Paul focus on the definition of marriage for the wider society?

Political

One missing dimension from the Christian side of the debate is the political.

Have we considered the type of government we have and what that entails when it comes to this issue?

How should we vote and think about this issue in a secular democracy (contrary to popular belief we are not a “Christian nation” whatever that means)?

Since we are a secular democracy what can we expect from our president, congressmen, and supreme court judges on this matter?

Historical

We also need to be asking how history plays a role in this.

Has the church ever attempted to legislate morality? What were the results?

Have we always historically owned the right to define and perform marriages in the public square?

How do the lessons from the civil rights movement influence our decisions on same sex marriage?

Practical /Experiential

Finally there is the praxis or the things that grab us on an experience level.

What do we say to those who identify as homosexual?

What will it do to our witness as the church if we ignore the issue?

What will it do to our witness if we denounce same sex unions?

What will it do to our witness if we endorse same sex unions?

I think that one of the things I constantly fail at as a follower of Jesus is listening and asking questions (things that were consistently practiced by Jesus). I personally believe that Obama’s recent endorsement of same sex marriage has provoked a lot of knee jerk reactions and not enough prayer and wisdom. For those who are followers of Jesus I ask that you join me in wrestling and seeking God’s will in relation to this issue.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. (Ephesians 5:15-17 ESV)

Any questions that you would like to add?

How I found freedom from pornography

Posted: March 15, 2012 in advice/how to, culture, faith, gender, justice, overcoming obstacles, personal, personal development, sex, spirituality
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This post is dedicated to all the beautiful women who have helped me to be the man I am today; who loved me beyond what their natural eyes could see. Celebrating Women’s History Month.

It started in grade school. Just a peek through supposedly closed eyes into the lurid details of a Hollywood sex scene. No harm right (Wrong!)Boys will be boys. But wait…after several more peeks and several years later friends are bringing magazines to school and I am shocked and seduced into looking at men and women reveal something intended to be private for the public. Not just once but multiple times. My curiosity drove me to look again and again but it provoked no appetite to know the reasons a young woman would bare her body in a magazine for a gawking lust filled strangers to see.

Years after I would struggle with the enticement to view not only women’s bodies but women’s bodies performing as objects for men’s twisted fantasies. And this is the saddest part about porn and what makes it essentially vile and wrong is that it turns a woman into an object. Never in all of those times that pornography lured and enthralled me did I think: this woman on this page…on this screen…is a person. A person with emotions and intellect; joys and fears. And ultimately not only did I dehumanize her but I dehumanized myself. By seeing her as an object I limited my capacity to love. I began to see not just women but all people in terms of what they could give me. In short my ability to connect relationally was seriously short circuited.

Objectifying women is not limited to only the sexual. I realized how much this thought pattern had invaded my mind even more so once I got married. To see my wife as an object-sexual, emotional, domestic-and not as a person is a result of years of emotional detachment and wallowing in a pit of selfishness.

Many times I tried to quit cold turkey and through sheer willpower to resist the temptations to look at porn but there was no breakthrough until one night while reading my bible I realized this: it’s not about resisting temptation as much as it’s about loving your neighbor. Basic stuff right but most of the time this teaching-this mandate from Christ is often excluded from our sexuality. This is how it works in my own life. Every woman I come in contact with (whether offline, on screen, or online) is my neighbor for whom Christ died. Do to others what you want to be done to you. Every woman who is involved in pornography is somebody’s daughter. I know I don’t want people to treat my daughter as a sexual object.

It’s not just about the practice of viewing pornography. It’s about the objectification of women. Both sins of commission because one huge sin of omission: not loving. Basic but it really is about love and love can free you from anything.

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:36-40 ESV)

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 ESV)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7, 8 ESV)